Have you ever been there? In a place where you have so many realizations at once that you suddenly don’t know who you are? I received a call last night from a lady who’s husband I have known and worked with for about the last ten or so years. He had passed away in May, and I hadn’t heard. We talked a Lot about him he was a rare big mouth that everyone loved including me. He had a fast form of Cancer and died very quickly never telling his wife. She was hurt by that but was reassured when I told her that he didn’t want her to worry.
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After our visit I went to bed and my heart and mind flooded with memories all kinds of memories and I knew again that I have never known who I am or who I was supposed to be in my life since my very early childhood. I was shattered again. I understood that I have never in my life been more than part of a person and that I have lost so so much.
Take that to bed and sleep on it?! Well I did sleep and the night went fast. This morning as I was waking up I experienced a phenomenon where I’d dream and wake up and dream and wake up and dream and wake up, about four times within fifteen minutes. Each time the dream was the same dream and it kept on in plot or sequence if you will.
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The dream troubled me as it involved a younger woman whom I have known for many years and had helped baptize many years ago. When I got up I re-orientated my heart and mind, I know that she is married and has a small son. I began to wonder the significance of the dream, and whether it had some meaning . I believe it was a troubling dream which was pointing out the way my life has gone, as in I have worried and fretted about everything for decades, things which maybe should have never even come to my mind. So upon realizing this I sat down picked up my Bible and asked God where I should Go in it or what should I look at? Here’s what I found Psalm four.
This Psalm was a perfect fit, and reassured my heart that “Even though its NOT okay, its OKAY”
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It hit me that we turn Gods glory into shame, and we love worthlessness, we love vanity, and don’t often seem to know what real value is. If you can be at peace and have a quiet heart ‘then you have treasure’ treasure worth more than all the wealth on this planet.
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If you read Psalm four below pause and question your own heart to see if you are at
peace.
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When I first became really sick about seventeen years ago, God told me to hold everything with a loose grip. I didn’t understand that he meant everything. Last night I saw that and realized that he meant everything, because many times the thing we have and hold and try desperately to hold on to, in fact are the things that “Hold” or capture or bind us and we are not free. And like the Psalm 137:4 How shall we sing the Lords song in a strange land. That strange land is the land of strife, worry, wants, and fears.
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I pray for you for us that we would be able to hear the Lords song and join in as our hearts come to rest and we put everything down.
I know that I’m not right, that I’m probably messed up for life, but I am the Lords and he has said that no enemy is powerful enough to pull me out of his hand. So maybe I should let go and stop fighting because maybe I am fighting him.
1: Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.
2: How long, O you sons of men,
Will you turn my glory to shame?
How long will you love worthlessness
And seek falsehood?
3: But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself him who is godly;
The Lord will hear when I call to Him.
4: Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.
5:Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And put your trust in the Lord.
6:There are many who say,
“Who will show us any good?”
Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
7:You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
8:I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Hubert Rondeau
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