A lamentation


Another day dawning Lord,what will I see today? I see Psalms 19:8 The precepts of the Lord are right rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is Pure enlightening the eyes.148827_152174284827106_100001036074659_286405_7531315_n (2)

Lord I see that distraction and business can keep a man off track and away from you, without mention of suffering, pain and traumatic events. Can any man be saved Lord? Will you not shelter me? Look upon me, my frame and my heart have been plundered!

Still the enemy prowls on every side, he changes form so that I cannot discern Him until he has devoured some more. How long oh Lord? Will you not rescue me? Will you cast me off forever? Am I even I not made in your image and likeness?

I hunger for your courts, your presence! And Satan devours my life, and my days! I have looked into your precepts and your commandments were my secret treasure, so they were life to me. How can a lame man walk, and how can a dog become a man, and how can the blind guides who live lies lead the lambs into the pastures of Holiness? My mind is broken how shall it be healed? Surely I must be blind and like a dog who walks alone and barks in the shadows of the night!




Oh God how long have you known me? How long have you seen my struggles and my hopeless state of being while the world is strong and set about me as a mighty fortress?

You know my life, I see how weak I am not only in your sight, but in every aspect of life.How lowly and pitiful I am on this earth. Naked, poor, wretched and blind? No, more than that, more like, weak and broken minded (from my youth) broken abandoned rejected unloved unlovable untouchable like a degenerate person. Like a man with no mind. I’m certain that that is predominately it.

What can I do about it? My life is nearly over and just now I see these things. Who will stand to bring me help? Who will bring me healing? Who will rise up and say “yes it is all true, but life is here now, here to stay?”

Many sorrows cannot quench your love.

But I never knew love in my life, I have known sorrow shame and pain.

Once you said to me, “go back in order to go ahead” I went back Lord, way back to my childhood. But I am blind I don’t see, only glimpses nothing good nothing solid. What is it but brokenness? A broken child? A child with a mental illness?  Or a child with a  brain that has been damaged so damaged so slowed that  he cannot function? cannot run, or sing, or play, just severely damaged stays alone. Stays alone he is alone… years go by…alone…broken mind alone…alone

Hubert Rondeau

Dec 26 17

A new day


So here we are its 4:00 am  I’m wide awake and hurting again, actually I’ve been awake most of the night, trying to sleep as much as I could.  Is this Fibromyalgia, is it Something else?

I’m at a place where I’m not so sure of myself anymore not that I ever really was. So I’m up at 4 am, so I wish my life would change and that the pain and all the other aspects of this disease would just simply vanish.

I remember the Days of Old The Psalmist David cried, I meditate on all thy doings, I stretch out my hands to you. One thing I asked that will I seek that I may dwell in your house Oh Lord! All of my Days All of my life that I might see you Lord. Hear me O Lord hear me when I cry Lord do not Hide your face from me, you have been my strength you have been my shield and you will lift me up.  THIS  is my hope, this is my only hope from childhood I have had this disease, from childhood I have lived a roller coaster life of anguish, of intense anxiety, of guilt and shame of a mind not stable or grounded in love.

One thing I ask O Lord one thing I seek that I may dwell in your house… Not my house but your house, your house is wherever I might be at any time, your house is world wide and visibly invisible to men of this earthen world.  Your house can be entered by your children at any time day or night we need only to abandon the charms and trinkets weights and worries of this place wherein we dwell.

I will enter your gates with thanks giving in my heart I will enter your courts with praise. I will say this is the day that the Lord has made, and rejoice for you have made me glad.

there was a time in my life O Lord when I would write and you would come sit with me as I wrote, you instructed me as I  sought the keys to form the words my heart was searching to express. Lord, Paul said in Romans 10 that your gifting and callings are not taken away, that we have those gifts as gifts not earned and we have them for life.

My handicap and the turmoil anxiety and stresses of this life have made me fall face down in this gutterous world this modern mayhem of a society which is so jaded that performance and status seem to be all there is to life, and I cannot keep up.

I need the one thing that a man after your heart only needs ‘rest’ to rest my hope solely upon you and to have no other hope dream or desire whatsoever.

Lord I come to you today, with a simple prayer to pray, in everything I do let my life Oh Oh Lord praise you. Praise you praise you let my life praise you…

Open the eyes of my heart again forgive me of my sin and my wandering ways, My God you know they only added to the pain, the loneliness and the shame which I have already suffered. Restore unto me the Joy of thy salvation and renew a right Spirit within me.


Hubert ROndeau

Dec 20 2017

Just a quick update for now, but I’m hoping to begin blogging again within a few short days. its amazing how off track a person can get in this life, I had wondered why the Old testament writers so often confessed their sins to God, I had always thought them all to be perfect.


November 25 was a harvest day for me, this was the first moose tag I had drawn in 8-9 years.



My entire strategy was to pray to God for an opportunity to harvest a moose, I messed up twice and that was a long story in itself.

But on the 25th I confessed to God that I messed up and asked for one more chance. I believe He answered and as a result I did get my Moose. “Thank you Lord!”



Fibromyalgia… Yes I have it and its chronic in my case. I have just begun to seek disability as my life is getting much harder, and I am struggling more and more to work. My first dream was to serve the Lord when Fibro took me down the first time 15 years or so back. Now it seems like we are headed down the same road again but in much harsher ways, its almost terrifying on certain days. I pray Jesus, forgive me, and somehow please use my life whatever is left of it for your glory and purposes, I have found nothing better to live for than you on this earth. amen


Hubert Rondeau

Loneliness sound


You ever catch yourself getting a coffee or making food at the kitchen counter and realize that you are listening behind you for a sound….? Like a loved one coming close to hug you or something?

I found myself doing that this morning again and it left an ache in the bottom of my stomach like a deep mourning, as I realized how alone I am in this world.

Then I heard the the Lords Spirit saying within my heart that this loneliness, this understanding was what he wanted me to realize. That in this place of seeming abandonment and nothingness…. He would bring fullness and comfort. For when we are at the bottom and there is nothing left, then He can come in like a flood with tenderness warmth and comfort with the love of GOD.

Then we are complete in Jesus Christ… Then He is our life our All in All.

When I was a child I used to listen behind me like this…I’d listen to be ready for an attack from behind, and I’d be ready to run. It seems to me that some people in my life saw me an easy open target for their evil!

My God have mercy on me I’m older now…. I need you more each day.


Hubert Rondeau


Arrrg! Mybrofyalgia!!!

The beast…

-Its 1:24 am i’m sitting on the couch having gone to bed earlier, somewhere around 10:00.

I fall asleep easily the problem is I wake up just as easily, tonight that was the way it went, asleep by 10:05 and awake and in agony by 10:15 in extreme pain that made me think I’d lose my mind. Tossing and turning tearing at my arms and legs ever astonished at the amount of pain a soul can endure and not lose it completely. Finally about 11:00 or so I fall back asleep only to re awaken at exactly 12:05 in the same torturous pain.

I got up went to the washroom and back to bed only to wrestle with this beast till about 12:45, fall asleep and again shortly after 1:00 am be violently awakened by the pain monster within me once again. This time I get up, I’m frustrated, sad and broken hearted and minded. I made some coffee and sat down to try to wrestle my head straight. Sometimes that’s pretty hard.

Earlier last evening, I should have figured it; I was in the fibro – zone, crazy thing this is, but my head was clear for a few moments and I could see my life as a whole in ways I normally can’t.  My kids are all on their own now, Jesherin has moved to the City with Hailie, a month ago, and that sank in hard today as I realized that “this is my life”, big house, empty house, alone, alone as alone as I have always been in this carcass.

My life passed before my eyes in many ways, as I remembered things from my childhood, things that made me want to die a thousand deaths inside, things that I could never put into words though I could live a thousand years twice over.

Why? My God I have shuddered in asking why? Its all such a big confusing mess! and  the pain, and the mental aspect of the disease never go away, and though I look  “fine!”  and smile all the time I’m rarely okay.

When I woke up the last time at 1:00 I was hearing this song within my heart. ABBA from the 70’s  Abba means Father.

Treat Him Well He Is Your Brother… you might need his help one day, we depend on one another love him thats the only way. On the road that we go we all need words of comfort and compassion…

love him that’s the only way.

So I realize the life I have lived has been in a very real sense so very handicapped, so filled with loss pain anxiety, stress pain and shame, I sit here often times bewildered.

Bewildered yes too bazaar for understanding, what next, what should I do where should I go…. Looking for drugs… that won’t work, suck it up “Son-shine!” as I have heard so many times, yes I have done that and I do that every day, have for years, and years. and nobody knows how bad it gets.

Treat me well if your my brother you might need my help some day.

I was at my new gunsmiths residence recently he did some work on my rifle, installing a muzzle break as I have become recoil sensitive in the last year or so. My Shooting brother Joel  got in there and instructed the gun smith to redo my barrel and action and they had it engraved as well.

Thanks Joel!




Its kinda pretty now, but when I was talking with Steve the Gunsmith I was having a very hard time speaking, and communicating with him, I was very embarrassed, and ashamed, I told him about my condition, and how it affects me, and we continued our conversation. Steve told me his cousin has fibro as well and he knows a bit about it, but that he doesn’t talk to her much. before I left I suggested that he talk to her, and said one thing we fibro sufferers desperately need is love.

Like the song says “love him that’s the only way.

Who knows James chapter 2 may be right when he says the poor and the weak have the greater gift of faith, and maybe when we are loved, some of that greater gift will rub off onto those gracious enough to extend to us some mercy after all.

About the video:  The song speaks an eternal message;

On the road that we go in we all need words of comfort and compassion, treat him well he is your brother.

Back to bed Hubert! It’s 2:30 am!!

Hubert Rondeau

The more it hurts

So I have been neglecting my writing for a long time now. Its been a rough several months and I haven’t felt like writing at all.  My blog format has somehow changed and I hardly know how to post on this new format, anyway I’m here today.


Photo borrowed online

I was trying to listen to the Lord this morning as he was telling me how I have lived my life striving , and ruminating, which ordinarily would add up to worry and fear. Both true. All the while over the past 15 years his main message to me has been– “REST,”– if you are at rest, you can’t worry, if your at rest “in the Lord” you can’t really live in fear because you are living in faith. So a few minutes ago he began to give me a memory of when I was about 16-17, painful as it was he showed me how my mind (brain) has worked for most of my life, youth to now.

I was walking along next to an old truck something from the 30’s I think. As I looked I noticed the serial number plate and I went closer and looked at that a while the continued along.

78The point was not the truck, but the fact that on that little walk and on most of my walks, or drives, or whatever , I’d spend my time, not thinking, hoping or planning, but ruminating, reliving my misery second by second, moment by moment, and I realized again that I have never really lived. No I have always been in a mental box, that maybe was more like a coffin.

The more I understand and the more I figure this life out, My God, the more it all hurts! I am beginning to see my life as a whole, and that whole is a shameful mess. Shameful to me because of the utter embarrassment of things I have lived through and things done to me and things I have done.  I believe sometimes that one day God will make it clear that we live ‘whole lives’, and there is no separation from before and after only a portrait, and a forward or backward motion of life’s changes and direction; to who we are and were as complete beings created in his image and likeness.

“All the chases… cages waiting to be filled.”

So Its a painful thing and I wonder if “everyone” has this experience, because  as soon as you begin to share that’s the first thing that come out of their mouths. My life has been on of mental seizures, and frozen-ness in what ever track or realm I was in at any time and never have I lived.

One thing I like though I that I can make up my own words and “care not” if its grammar or etiquette.

So I have a mile or two it seems to go in learning how to rest, and how to pray for a mind and brain that are healed. Back in 1980 I was in a logging accident which should have ended my life, come to think of it maybe it did.


If you need Jesus Christ to give you the salvation and hope I often refer to in this blog, realize first that he is GOD, and that he can save you, then understand that if he wills to save you, you will feel drawn and compelled to him, and open up your heart to his word… John 3 Jesus said  you must be born again, he wasn’t ashamed of saying that because he wasn’t at all religious nor trapped by rules and the Law, for the law kills, but the Spirit is life, and that eternal life in Christ.

Hubert Rondeau