Arrrg! Mybrofyalgia!!!

The beast…

-Its 1:24 am i’m sitting on the couch having gone to bed earlier, somewhere around 10:00.

I fall asleep easily the problem is I wake up just as easily, tonight that was the way it went, asleep by 10:05 and awake and in agony by 10:15 in extreme pain that made me think I’d lose my mind. Tossing and turning tearing at my arms and legs ever astonished at the amount of pain a soul can endure and not lose it completely. Finally about 11:00 or so I fall back asleep only to re awaken at exactly 12:05 in the same torturous pain.

I got up went to the washroom and back to bed only to wrestle with this beast till about 12:45, fall asleep and again shortly after 1:00 am be violently awakened by the pain monster within me once again. This time I get up, I’m frustrated, sad and broken hearted and minded. I made some coffee and sat down to try to wrestle my head straight. Sometimes that’s pretty hard.

Earlier last evening, I should have figured it; I was in the fibro – zone, crazy thing this is, but my head was clear for a few moments and I could see my life as a whole in ways I normally can’t.  My kids are all on their own now, Jesherin has moved to the City with Hailie, a month ago, and that sank in hard today as I realized that “this is my life”, big house, empty house, alone, alone as alone as I have always been in this carcass.

My life passed before my eyes in many ways, as I remembered things from my childhood, things that made me want to die a thousand deaths inside, things that I could never put into words though I could live a thousand years twice over.

Why? My God I have shuddered in asking why? Its all such a big confusing mess! and  the pain, and the mental aspect of the disease never go away, and though I look  “fine!”  and smile all the time I’m rarely okay.

When I woke up the last time at 1:00 I was hearing this song within my heart. ABBA from the 70’s  Abba means Father.

Treat Him Well He Is Your Brother… you might need his help one day, we depend on one another love him thats the only way. On the road that we go we all need words of comfort and compassion…

love him that’s the only way.

So I realize the life I have lived has been in a very real sense so very handicapped, so filled with loss pain anxiety, stress pain and shame, I sit here often times bewildered.

Bewildered yes too bazaar for understanding, what next, what should I do where should I go…. Looking for drugs… that won’t work, suck it up “Son-shine!” as I have heard so many times, yes I have done that and I do that every day, have for years, and years. and nobody knows how bad it gets.

Treat me well if your my brother you might need my help some day.

I was at my new gunsmiths residence recently he did some work on my rifle, installing a muzzle break as I have become recoil sensitive in the last year or so. My Shooting brother Joel  got in there and instructed the gun smith to redo my barrel and action and they had it engraved as well.

Thanks Joel!

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Its kinda pretty now, but when I was talking with Steve the Gunsmith I was having a very hard time speaking, and communicating with him, I was very embarrassed, and ashamed, I told him about my condition, and how it affects me, and we continued our conversation. Steve told me his cousin has fibro as well and he knows a bit about it, but that he doesn’t talk to her much. before I left I suggested that he talk to her, and said one thing we fibro sufferers desperately need is love.

Like the song says “love him that’s the only way.

Who knows James chapter 2 may be right when he says the poor and the weak have the greater gift of faith, and maybe when we are loved, some of that greater gift will rub off onto those gracious enough to extend to us some mercy after all.

About the video:  The song speaks an eternal message;

On the road that we go in we all need words of comfort and compassion, treat him well he is your brother.

Back to bed Hubert! It’s 2:30 am!!

Hubert Rondeau

The more it hurts

So I have been neglecting my writing for a long time now. Its been a rough several months and I haven’t felt like writing at all.  My blog format has somehow changed and I hardly know how to post on this new format, anyway I’m here today.

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Photo borrowed online

I was trying to listen to the Lord this morning as he was telling me how I have lived my life striving , and ruminating, which ordinarily would add up to worry and fear. Both true. All the while over the past 15 years his main message to me has been– “REST,”– if you are at rest, you can’t worry, if your at rest “in the Lord” you can’t really live in fear because you are living in faith. So a few minutes ago he began to give me a memory of when I was about 16-17, painful as it was he showed me how my mind (brain) has worked for most of my life, youth to now.

I was walking along next to an old truck something from the 30’s I think. As I looked I noticed the serial number plate and I went closer and looked at that a while the continued along.

78The point was not the truck, but the fact that on that little walk and on most of my walks, or drives, or whatever , I’d spend my time, not thinking, hoping or planning, but ruminating, reliving my misery second by second, moment by moment, and I realized again that I have never really lived. No I have always been in a mental box, that maybe was more like a coffin.

The more I understand and the more I figure this life out, My God, the more it all hurts! I am beginning to see my life as a whole, and that whole is a shameful mess. Shameful to me because of the utter embarrassment of things I have lived through and things done to me and things I have done.  I believe sometimes that one day God will make it clear that we live ‘whole lives’, and there is no separation from before and after only a portrait, and a forward or backward motion of life’s changes and direction; to who we are and were as complete beings created in his image and likeness.

“All the chases… cages waiting to be filled.”

So Its a painful thing and I wonder if “everyone” has this experience, because  as soon as you begin to share that’s the first thing that come out of their mouths. My life has been on of mental seizures, and frozen-ness in what ever track or realm I was in at any time and never have I lived.

One thing I like though I that I can make up my own words and “care not” if its grammar or etiquette.

So I have a mile or two it seems to go in learning how to rest, and how to pray for a mind and brain that are healed. Back in 1980 I was in a logging accident which should have ended my life, come to think of it maybe it did.

 

If you need Jesus Christ to give you the salvation and hope I often refer to in this blog, realize first that he is GOD, and that he can save you, then understand that if he wills to save you, you will feel drawn and compelled to him, and open up your heart to his word… John 3 Jesus said  you must be born again, he wasn’t ashamed of saying that because he wasn’t at all religious nor trapped by rules and the Law, for the law kills, but the Spirit is life, and that eternal life in Christ.

Hubert Rondeau

 

Hubert/ Jan 8 17

The world lies in the sway of the devil, so often i have wondered why I don’t fit in this place. Can’t seem to fit in, always on the outside, always feel like I don’t belong. Like a stranger in a strange place.

1 john 5:19… We know that we are the children of God and that the whole world lies under the sway of the wicked one.

So we know that the world has the mind of the wicked one, (carnal, sensual, earthly, demonic) why should we feel at home here? Loved cherished and accepted? The offspring of the wicked one don’t have any of the mind of Christ at all, and when we get too close to them we begin to glean the secular mind and split our own hearts in two.Trying to fit, just trying to find our place in this place. Leaving Gods kingdom looking to find our own place in this world, yet its not ours because we have no stake in this place.

So we split our minds and souls in two (double minded)  and we become cisterns as Jeremiah says in chapter 2 broken cisterns that can hold no water. That living water of life that Jesus spoke of after we are converted and baptized with Gods Holy Spirit.

If any man be in Christ, he is a new creation, a new creature in Christ Jesus the old has passed away and we are new creatures  created in the image of Christ.

If any man be not in Christ he is none of his. Romans 8:9

Can we see why we don’t fit? This world loves its own, and we are not to love this world or the things of this world, which are the lusts of the flesh the lusts of the eyes and the boastful pride of life. “If any man loves the world the love of the Father is not in him,”

I have a split and broken mind, I have had Fibromyalgia since childhood, and have always been alone inside. No comfort, no love no sweetness, but pain, mental frustration, anxiety, mental fibro-fog, and delusion and torment, that’s a lot its truth.

Try facing the world as a child of God with that… When your normal you’re not automatically a reject! When you have a handicapped mind, and invisibly handicapped body your out! So you often wish you could leave the world NOW!

Now try fitting in, now try finding love or a lover, or a friend. Now resign yourself to God (that’s good!) but when my suffering gets extreme that I want to fall flat on the floor that split carnal mind say “fight!” “Stand up and fight! Take charge of your life and fight!”  So my mind changes and I do fight and fight hard. That’s when I lose sight of who I am for a while, until the Lord comes like a rushing wind touches my heart again, and I realize that I have turned away from him in my deepest need in the time that I most needed to rest.

Romans 8:9; But you are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit I if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the spirit of Christ he is none of his.

One thing I ask oh Lord THAT WILL I SEEK, that I might dwell in your house oh Lord!

That I may not be a stranger with you.

AMEN

 

Hubert Rondeau