You ever catch yourself getting a coffee or making food at the kitchen counter and realize that you are listening behind you for a sound….? Like a loved one coming close to hug you or something?
I found myself doing that this morning again and it left an ache in the bottom of my stomach like a deep mourning, as I realized how alone I am in this world.
Then I heard the the Lords Spirit saying within my heart that this loneliness, this understanding was what he wanted me to realize. That in this place of seeming abandonment and nothingness…. He would bring fullness and comfort. For when we are at the bottom and there is nothing left, then He can come in like a flood with tenderness warmth and comfort with the love of GOD.
Then we are complete in Jesus Christ… Then He is our life our All in All.
When I was a child I used to listen behind me like this…I’d listen to be ready for an attack from behind, and I’d be ready to run. It seems to me that some people in my life saw me an easy open target for their evil!
My God have mercy on me I’m older now…. I need you more each day.
-Its 1:24 am i’m sitting on the couch having gone to bed earlier, somewhere around 10:00.
I fall asleep easily the problem is I wake up just as easily, tonight that was the way it went, asleep by 10:05 and awake and in agony by 10:15 in extreme pain that made me think I’d lose my mind. Tossing and turning tearing at my arms and legs ever astonished at the amount of pain a soul can endure and not lose it completely. Finally about 11:00 or so I fall back asleep only to re awaken at exactly 12:05 in the same torturous pain.
I got up went to the washroom and back to bed only to wrestle with this beast till about 12:45, fall asleep and again shortly after 1:00 am be violently awakened by the pain monster within me once again. This time I get up, I’m frustrated, sad and broken hearted and minded. I made some coffee and sat down to try to wrestle my head straight. Sometimes that’s pretty hard.
Earlier last evening, I should have figured it; I was in the fibro – zone, crazy thing this is, but my head was clear for a few moments and I could see my life as a whole in ways I normally can’t. My kids are all on their own now, Jesherin has moved to the City with Hailie, a month ago, and that sank in hard today as I realized that “this is my life”, big house, empty house, alone, alone as alone as I have always been in this carcass.
My life passed before my eyes in many ways, as I remembered things from my childhood, things that made me want to die a thousand deaths inside, things that I could never put into words though I could live a thousand years twice over.
Why? My God I have shuddered in asking why? Its all such a big confusing mess! and the pain, and the mental aspect of the disease never go away, and though I look “fine!” and smile all the time I’m rarely okay.
When I woke up the last time at 1:00 I was hearing this song within my heart. ABBA from the 70’s Abba means Father.
Treat Him Well He Is Your Brother… you might need his help one day, we depend on one another love him thats the only way. On the road that we go we all need words of comfort and compassion…
love him that’s the only way.
So I realize the life I have lived has been in a very real sense so very handicapped, so filled with loss pain anxiety, stress pain and shame, I sit here often times bewildered.
Bewildered yes too bazaar for understanding, what next, what should I do where should I go…. Looking for drugs… that won’t work, suck it up “Son-shine!” as I have heard so many times, yes I have done that and I do that every day, have for years, and years. and nobody knows how bad it gets.
Treat me well if your my brother you might need my help some day.
I was at my new gunsmiths residence recently he did some work on my rifle, installing a muzzle break as I have become recoil sensitive in the last year or so. My Shooting brother Joel got in there and instructed the gun smith to redo my barrel and action and they had it engraved as well.
Its kinda pretty now, but when I was talking with Steve the Gunsmith I was having a very hard time speaking, and communicating with him, I was very embarrassed, and ashamed, I told him about my condition, and how it affects me, and we continued our conversation. Steve told me his cousin has fibro as well and he knows a bit about it, but that he doesn’t talk to her much. before I left I suggested that he talk to her, and said one thing we fibro sufferers desperately need is love.
Like the song says “love him that’s the only way.
Who knows James chapter 2 may be right when he says the poor and the weak have the greater gift of faith, and maybe when we are loved, some of that greater gift will rub off onto those gracious enough to extend to us some mercy after all.
About the video: The song speaks an eternal message;
On the road that we go in we all need words of comfort and compassion, treat him well he is your brother.
Back to bed Hubert! It’s 2:30 am!!
Who needs sand to hide your head when you have Fibromyalgia anything will do
It’s okay to laugh.
I saw a split photo once upon a time depicting a very pretty young woman with fibromyalgia showing when “We see her V.S. when we don’t.When Fibromyalgia lets its grip on her go briefly and she could be “Normal” I so related to that photo, though being anything but pretty or cute or sweet myself. What ever that matters I don’t know. So here are a couple of my Bad moment photos V.S. a couple of Good moment photos.
Oops I guess I have only one Good moment photo on my laptop so it will do for now. The bad moments need no explanation, the good one on the other hand was on a day when well I felt well enough to shoot this target at 1200 meters, that was a good day.
Recently I tried a couple of weeks of Massage to treat Fibromyalgia, bet everyone out there knows how that went, it went well as long as the therapist was massaging me / no that’s not quite true though. Some points in my legs were so bad she had me crying (okay I hid it but I was crying for real!) I couldn’t believe She found places in my good leg that hurt as much or worse than my bad leg, I know fibromyalgia is supposed to be equal on both sides of the body, but what if your body in not equal on both sides and you have had some serious injuries on one side or the other,
So I’m indoors almost all weekend so different for me, but right now the Alberta snow pack augmentation / Spray them all till they are dead Program, is on in full swing since the first of October or just prior to that. Between Edson where I live and Robb where I work we have had two weeks of British style Fog as a result ! Talk about Alberta weather modification/ climate control. Don’t believe me, do some solid research, google Alberta weather modification or two or three such queries.
Back to Fibromyalgia Hubert Rondeau style hmmm what to say, the disease has ruined everything which it has not precipitated, likely I’d never be a blogger, not have really learned to read without the desire 1. To seek Gods face via His Holy Word, and 2.then the gifting and calling to attempt to write words, poems, and short stories in and for his honor.
Like I could do such a thing as that eh?
This evening I decided to have a shower, while standing there the hot water pouring down my back and the back of my legs my muscles went into convulsions and cramps that drew a fairly loud shout Aggh aggh ouch ouch ouch ow ow… from the deepest parts of my soul. Nearly buckling, but then regaining my composure I realized that the water was no hotter than at any other time, I retested it and made sure I wasn’t scalding myself, that’s easy enough to do too. Funny thing about this disease, I can take as much pain as anyone else maybe more in many cases,. I have dealt with this for so long that I’m getting close to being invincible.
Just Pretend Superman has a bandaged head to offset that black hair okay? Oh and no way I’m wearing a cape either!
Shower done, I came out of the washroom to find that it had gotten dark during my time therein.I turned on the lights as I walked to my bedroom suddenly realizing that within a few months Jesherin will be going away to live in the city and from then on I will literally be alone like this … forever… The thought wasn’t appealing, not even warm and fuzzy, but I have been there for a very long time now, and like the pain of the disease the pain of the loneliness and abandonment, and the solitude it often brings is pretty gross to put it mildly.
So I borrowed a couple of things online to help me make my point! I used to write all the time, I wrote SERVANT, PIERCED, STORM, THE PALACE, THE ROCK , and one other book which I cannot remember the title of… Huh! Nice huh?
Maybe if I weren’t such a loser I would have been a writer, and gone on to victory!
Woe! but, my victory was two minutes ago and it will come again in a minute or two because, that’s how we live! I lost most of my work, I’m sure I still have parts of my books and a lot of my poems too, and I sent over 100 poems to a site called Worlds Last Chance and they are published there under my name.
Am I lamenting my life? Well, I think all Chronic illness sufferers go through all the processes of loss mourning anger and so on to some degree every day. The reason in part for that is we live in a different time frame than the rest of the world, and our memory, and memories are as shattered and scattered as our lives tend to be. Its still October 2013-2014, and 2015, in my brain as much as it is 2016 in yours. We seize up, we get lost, we break down we get out of touch and out of focus, and we lose ground, and the world carries on as if we were invisible, and often rips us off as it runs us over!
Nice world Not!
So Here I sit laptop (on my lap) of course, thinking “I wonder if anyone will even read this?” No-one reads my blog anymore. Sure they think I’m nuts, this is only my 5th or the 10th blog site I have had in 7-10 years, and I deleted through frustration and guilt and shame MY BEST WORK EVER! because back then I had only ingested a few hundred pounds of Chemtrail fodder!
Oops I think I said a bad word there.
I guess I’m trying to apologize to my Fibro family because our testimonies are the only thing that keeps us going at times, many times I have watched your youtube stories and after an hour or so of identification with you in your sufferings I somehow feel better, not better as in “healed”, but I know that I am not alone, and though I haven’t got a close friend in this, anywhere near me, most of the time I do have brothers and sisters who if we could be together would absolutely bear each others burdens, and give each other the love we all so desperately need.
Love you all!
Note: Superman stuff borrowed online too