In the morning

I remember the days of old I meditate on all thy doings ….

I lift up my hands to You O Lord…

Psalm 143

1.Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.

For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.

Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.

Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy Servant.

NKJV Public Domain

John 15:16 King James Version

1Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.

Its May 21\17  I have been off work for a week and a bit, and I am giving thanks to God for this break,

I have struggled with Fibromyalgia for decades now, and it seems like my struggles may include CTE  a brain trauma disease which creates and causes many of the same symptoms which Fibromyalgia causes.

Last night as I sat here thinking some things through I kept having flash backs to my early 20’s when I was hurt in a logging accident, and lived with a concussion for months without anyone knowing, myself included. ( I thought I was insane, and demon possessed.) If you’d be able to see me then you’d be horrified, and slam the computer closed and never think about Hubert Rondeau again.

I had suffered a brain injury… everybody judged me and I fought the demon alone losing every time the battle began again. That wasn’t my first  MTBI  and there was nothing mild about it. Since I have never recovered, and have lived in isolation since.

Isolation because I just don’t function right… right like those of you who can have relationships because you have normal brain function and can relate to others with fluid like functionality. I have never had that. I have always been a loner, not by choice, no, but I have because I don’t fit in anywhere. We may be having a conversation and i’ll miss most of it, its like I am have mini seizures wherein like the spokes on a turning bicycle wheel  my mind or brain is going in and out in and out in and out again as fast as the spokes of the wheel pass by the forks, like the old movies where you saw the frame edges with each shot.

So I was here on my couch these memories coming and making sense of  the past 30 plus years of my life. And I am lonely, and feeling so deserted, I ask God for a place to go, and if I could find a place, a people to join, to be one with in fellowship and love, and when I ask there is a piercing pain in my heart as I realize that I’m not a favored  or desired one in this life.

No i’m weird! I am I know it.

So this morning I got up and felt a tug on m y heart to write but what to write? and I heard this word in my heart, “open your mouth and I will fill it.”

So I sat down with my Laptop and began this post.

If Jesus has Chosen me… He says he has, then loneliness must be my perfect fit, It must be that this is what he wants for my broken life, and maybe that only to keep me from more pain. What a painful thought for a man who so loved the body of Christ that he would do anything for anyone…

It still leaves me in awe and wonder, wondering if there are truly any Christ ones left at all.

 

 

 

 

Jesus Here I am.

You know, you know the wounds and the utter shame and pain in my life, sometimes I feel like I have more in common with the man “Legion” of Gennesaret

When Jesus healed him He wanted only to follow Him, Jesus responded go to your family and show them what God has done for you…   (not trying to quote verses here.)

Jesus you alone are my only hope

I will trust in you

I will have joy

I will glory in your holy name

 

Hubert