There must be a place

 

I stand here at the edge of the road

The cross road…

The edge is the ditch of shame

How can one so zealous for his saviour be in such a place as this…

There must have been a wrong turn a planting of some sort that didn’t grow

And I came alone so I am

I go on but to what point and cause

Go to the North

Will I find one there

Go to the South are there any there who care

What if

Were I to the east where all the harsh storms come

Oh maybe to the west to the setting of the sun

But if I here remain

How ever shall I find life and change

Was I not planted long ago

What uproot now and where to go

Seems a fools foul game unwittingly I played

But still look I and believe

There must be a place

 

 

There Must Be A Place

Hubert Rondeau

 

 

In the morning

I remember the days of old I meditate on all thy doings ….

I lift up my hands to You O Lord…

Psalm 143

1.Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.

For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.

Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.

Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble.

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy Servant.

NKJV Public Domain

John 15:16 King James Version

1Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.

Its May 21\17  I have been off work for a week and a bit, and I am giving thanks to God for this break,

I have struggled with Fibromyalgia for decades now, and it seems like my struggles may include CTE  a brain trauma disease which creates and causes many of the same symptoms which Fibromyalgia causes.

Last night as I sat here thinking some things through I kept having flash backs to my early 20’s when I was hurt in a logging accident, and lived with a concussion for months without anyone knowing, myself included. ( I thought I was insane, and demon possessed.) If you’d be able to see me then you’d be horrified, and slam the computer closed and never think about Hubert Rondeau again.

I had suffered a brain injury… everybody judged me and I fought the demon alone losing every time the battle began again. That wasn’t my first  MTBI  and there was nothing mild about it. Since I have never recovered, and have lived in isolation since.

Isolation because I just don’t function right… right like those of you who can have relationships because you have normal brain function and can relate to others with fluid like functionality. I have never had that. I have always been a loner, not by choice, no, but I have because I don’t fit in anywhere. We may be having a conversation and i’ll miss most of it, its like I am have mini seizures wherein like the spokes on a turning bicycle wheel  my mind or brain is going in and out in and out in and out again as fast as the spokes of the wheel pass by the forks, like the old movies where you saw the frame edges with each shot.

So I was here on my couch these memories coming and making sense of  the past 30 plus years of my life. And I am lonely, and feeling so deserted, I ask God for a place to go, and if I could find a place, a people to join, to be one with in fellowship and love, and when I ask there is a piercing pain in my heart as I realize that I’m not a favored  or desired one in this life.

No i’m weird! I am I know it.

So this morning I got up and felt a tug on m y heart to write but what to write? and I heard this word in my heart, “open your mouth and I will fill it.”

So I sat down with my Laptop and began this post.

If Jesus has Chosen me… He says he has, then loneliness must be my perfect fit, It must be that this is what he wants for my broken life, and maybe that only to keep me from more pain. What a painful thought for a man who so loved the body of Christ that he would do anything for anyone…

It still leaves me in awe and wonder, wondering if there are truly any Christ ones left at all.

 

 

 

 

Jesus Here I am.

You know, you know the wounds and the utter shame and pain in my life, sometimes I feel like I have more in common with the man “Legion” of Gennesaret

When Jesus healed him He wanted only to follow Him, Jesus responded go to your family and show them what God has done for you…   (not trying to quote verses here.)

Jesus you alone are my only hope

I will trust in you

I will have joy

I will glory in your holy name

 

Hubert

 

 

Hallelujah he reigns

BEAR WITH ME:

HE REIGNS

 

IF you made it through the first video,  “HE REIGNS” ; listen to Peter Furler as he shares his testimony as  a Preachers kid below , and may Y-H-W-H  break your heart with holiness and tenderness as a mother who cherishes her babies,

From the rising of the sun till its setting  the name of the Lord is to be praised!

 

Yeshua Jesus have mercy on those of us who have been so hardened  in this world and life that is so full of pain and shame, my God you alone are life……tears, tears, again so many tears!

God my God you are Holy!

Greater love has no man than that he lay down his life for his fiends

Yeah I know the word says friends but many of us are  his fiends more than friends  as we set out stumbling blocks for those who are entering in to the kingdom by faith and grace; we being  the lawyers the very ones Jesus rebuked saying, “lest your righteousness exceeds that of the lawyers the scribes and paraphrases , you shall not enter the kingdom of God.

Ephesians 2:8  By grace you are saved through faith!

 

EH?

Hubert Rondeau

 

 

 

Arrrg! Mybrofyalgia!!!

The beast…

-Its 1:24 am i’m sitting on the couch having gone to bed earlier, somewhere around 10:00.

I fall asleep easily the problem is I wake up just as easily, tonight that was the way it went, asleep by 10:05 and awake and in agony by 10:15 in extreme pain that made me think I’d lose my mind. Tossing and turning tearing at my arms and legs ever astonished at the amount of pain a soul can endure and not lose it completely. Finally about 11:00 or so I fall back asleep only to re awaken at exactly 12:05 in the same torturous pain.

I got up went to the washroom and back to bed only to wrestle with this beast till about 12:45, fall asleep and again shortly after 1:00 am be violently awakened by the pain monster within me once again. This time I get up, I’m frustrated, sad and broken hearted and minded. I made some coffee and sat down to try to wrestle my head straight. Sometimes that’s pretty hard.

Earlier last evening, I should have figured it; I was in the fibro – zone, crazy thing this is, but my head was clear for a few moments and I could see my life as a whole in ways I normally can’t.  My kids are all on their own now, Jesherin has moved to the City with Hailie, a month ago, and that sank in hard today as I realized that “this is my life”, big house, empty house, alone, alone as alone as I have always been in this carcass.

My life passed before my eyes in many ways, as I remembered things from my childhood, things that made me want to die a thousand deaths inside, things that I could never put into words though I could live a thousand years twice over.

Why? My God I have shuddered in asking why? Its all such a big confusing mess! and  the pain, and the mental aspect of the disease never go away, and though I look  “fine!”  and smile all the time I’m rarely okay.

When I woke up the last time at 1:00 I was hearing this song within my heart. ABBA from the 70’s  Abba means Father.

Treat Him Well He Is Your Brother… you might need his help one day, we depend on one another love him thats the only way. On the road that we go we all need words of comfort and compassion…

love him that’s the only way.

So I realize the life I have lived has been in a very real sense so very handicapped, so filled with loss pain anxiety, stress pain and shame, I sit here often times bewildered.

Bewildered yes too bazaar for understanding, what next, what should I do where should I go…. Looking for drugs… that won’t work, suck it up “Son-shine!” as I have heard so many times, yes I have done that and I do that every day, have for years, and years. and nobody knows how bad it gets.

Treat me well if your my brother you might need my help some day.

I was at my new gunsmiths residence recently he did some work on my rifle, installing a muzzle break as I have become recoil sensitive in the last year or so. My Shooting brother Joel  got in there and instructed the gun smith to redo my barrel and action and they had it engraved as well.

Thanks Joel!

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Its kinda pretty now, but when I was talking with Steve the Gunsmith I was having a very hard time speaking, and communicating with him, I was very embarrassed, and ashamed, I told him about my condition, and how it affects me, and we continued our conversation. Steve told me his cousin has fibro as well and he knows a bit about it, but that he doesn’t talk to her much. before I left I suggested that he talk to her, and said one thing we fibro sufferers desperately need is love.

Like the song says “love him that’s the only way.

Who knows James chapter 2 may be right when he says the poor and the weak have the greater gift of faith, and maybe when we are loved, some of that greater gift will rub off onto those gracious enough to extend to us some mercy after all.

About the video:  The song speaks an eternal message;

On the road that we go in we all need words of comfort and compassion, treat him well he is your brother.

Back to bed Hubert! It’s 2:30 am!!

Hubert Rondeau