-Its 1:24 am i’m sitting on the couch having gone to bed earlier, somewhere around 10:00.
I fall asleep easily the problem is I wake up just as easily, tonight that was the way it went, asleep by 10:05 and awake and in agony by 10:15 in extreme pain that made me think I’d lose my mind. Tossing and turning tearing at my arms and legs ever astonished at the amount of pain a soul can endure and not lose it completely. Finally about 11:00 or so I fall back asleep only to re awaken at exactly 12:05 in the same torturous pain.
I got up went to the washroom and back to bed only to wrestle with this beast till about 12:45, fall asleep and again shortly after 1:00 am be violently awakened by the pain monster within me once again. This time I get up, I’m frustrated, sad and broken hearted and minded. I made some coffee and sat down to try to wrestle my head straight. Sometimes that’s pretty hard.
Earlier last evening, I should have figured it; I was in the fibro – zone, crazy thing this is, but my head was clear for a few moments and I could see my life as a whole in ways I normally can’t. My kids are all on their own now, Jesherin has moved to the City with Hailie, a month ago, and that sank in hard today as I realized that “this is my life”, big house, empty house, alone, alone as alone as I have always been in this carcass.
My life passed before my eyes in many ways, as I remembered things from my childhood, things that made me want to die a thousand deaths inside, things that I could never put into words though I could live a thousand years twice over.
Why? My God I have shuddered in asking why? Its all such a big confusing mess! and the pain, and the mental aspect of the disease never go away, and though I look “fine!” and smile all the time I’m rarely okay.
When I woke up the last time at 1:00 I was hearing this song within my heart. ABBA from the 70’s Abba means Father.
Treat Him Well He Is Your Brother… you might need his help one day, we depend on one another love him thats the only way. On the road that we go we all need words of comfort and compassion…
love him that’s the only way.
So I realize the life I have lived has been in a very real sense so very handicapped, so filled with loss pain anxiety, stress pain and shame, I sit here often times bewildered.
Bewildered yes too bazaar for understanding, what next, what should I do where should I go…. Looking for drugs… that won’t work, suck it up “Son-shine!” as I have heard so many times, yes I have done that and I do that every day, have for years, and years. and nobody knows how bad it gets.
Treat me well if your my brother you might need my help some day.
I was at my new gunsmiths residence recently he did some work on my rifle, installing a muzzle break as I have become recoil sensitive in the last year or so. My Shooting brother Joel got in there and instructed the gun smith to redo my barrel and action and they had it engraved as well.
Its kinda pretty now, but when I was talking with Steve the Gunsmith I was having a very hard time speaking, and communicating with him, I was very embarrassed, and ashamed, I told him about my condition, and how it affects me, and we continued our conversation. Steve told me his cousin has fibro as well and he knows a bit about it, but that he doesn’t talk to her much. before I left I suggested that he talk to her, and said one thing we fibro sufferers desperately need is love.
Like the song says “love him that’s the only way.
Who knows James chapter 2 may be right when he says the poor and the weak have the greater gift of faith, and maybe when we are loved, some of that greater gift will rub off onto those gracious enough to extend to us some mercy after all.
About the video: The song speaks an eternal message;
On the road that we go in we all need words of comfort and compassion, treat him well he is your brother.
Back to bed Hubert! It’s 2:30 am!!