The more it hurts

So I have been neglecting my writing for a long time now. Its been a rough several months and I haven’t felt like writing at all.  My blog format has somehow changed and I hardly know how to post on this new format, anyway I’m here today.


Photo borrowed online

I was trying to listen to the Lord this morning as he was telling me how I have lived my life striving , and ruminating, which ordinarily would add up to worry and fear. Both true. All the while over the past 15 years his main message to me has been– “REST,”– if you are at rest, you can’t worry, if your at rest “in the Lord” you can’t really live in fear because you are living in faith. So a few minutes ago he began to give me a memory of when I was about 16-17, painful as it was he showed me how my mind (brain) has worked for most of my life, youth to now.

I was walking along next to an old truck something from the 30’s I think. As I looked I noticed the serial number plate and I went closer and looked at that a while the continued along.

78The point was not the truck, but the fact that on that little walk and on most of my walks, or drives, or whatever , I’d spend my time, not thinking, hoping or planning, but ruminating, reliving my misery second by second, moment by moment, and I realized again that I have never really lived. No I have always been in a mental box, that maybe was more like a coffin.

The more I understand and the more I figure this life out, My God, the more it all hurts! I am beginning to see my life as a whole, and that whole is a shameful mess. Shameful to me because of the utter embarrassment of things I have lived through and things done to me and things I have done.  I believe sometimes that one day God will make it clear that we live ‘whole lives’, and there is no separation from before and after only a portrait, and a forward or backward motion of life’s changes and direction; to who we are and were as complete beings created in his image and likeness.

“All the chases… cages waiting to be filled.”

So Its a painful thing and I wonder if “everyone” has this experience, because  as soon as you begin to share that’s the first thing that come out of their mouths. My life has been on of mental seizures, and frozen-ness in what ever track or realm I was in at any time and never have I lived.

One thing I like though I that I can make up my own words and “care not” if its grammar or etiquette.

So I have a mile or two it seems to go in learning how to rest, and how to pray for a mind and brain that are healed. Back in 1980 I was in a logging accident which should have ended my life, come to think of it maybe it did.


If you need Jesus Christ to give you the salvation and hope I often refer to in this blog, realize first that he is GOD, and that he can save you, then understand that if he wills to save you, you will feel drawn and compelled to him, and open up your heart to his word… John 3 Jesus said  you must be born again, he wasn’t ashamed of saying that because he wasn’t at all religious nor trapped by rules and the Law, for the law kills, but the Spirit is life, and that eternal life in Christ.

Hubert Rondeau



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